There are many truths and stereotypes when it comes to our human behaviour. This is also very much so when we consider how and what we love, what we are attracted to, our different sexual desires and limitations. I can see certain similarities and differences between women and us men when it comes to that if we talk in general terms. At the same time there are so many variations, rules and limitations for what the society accepts, and why they do so, that few things are more emotionally loaded with feelings, resentments, likes and dislikes than fields like these. Still I think it might be important to discuss it in order to make us more understanding for each other: what we like or not like, what we desire or not, do’s and don’ts. The two drawings above that I made in the summer of 2012 are meant to be ironic descriptions of two extreme, but not uncommon variations of male and female sexuality respectively. Of course there are many different variations here too depending on who we socialise with, how old we are, our personality, what values we have, our family background and who we meet and fall in love with. We can’t say that this variation or desire is better or worse than the other, (within limitations).
If we talk about male sexuality in general terms first it’s very common from adoloscence and up in adulthood to try and have several sexual encounters, especially when you’re young, or to at least get a girl friend that you like and who like you back. Our modern society is overwhelmed with sexual descriptions, pictures, films, books, advices, and expectations. We find it in fashion magazines and fashion industry, music industry both when it comes to clothes, lyrics and attitudes. We see it in movies, videos, in the pornographic industry, in talk shows and discussions at work or in school. It’s everywhere. Especially when one is very young it’s easy to be influenced by it all, but also more mature people in periods more or less are. But that industry is also very cynical since it’s meant to influence us without any qualms of cruel and destructive effects, such as prostitution and sex slavery. It’s not strange that the pictures and messages influence us however. The sexuality is a primeval urge and very natural thing in all of us. From teenage boys and up to older men it’s not uncommon to read erotic magazines, watch porn movies etc more or less to stimulate the instant desire and easen the urge, even if it doesn’t go for everyone. The picture above to the left is meant to represent that phenomenon. Some girls and women accept the industry and play along in the game and exploit their sexuality more or less flamboyantly, while others have inner limitations to avoid being abused. Many women also hate being represented as willing tarts and play-things. The problem with magazines like Slitz above and the rest of that very shallow industry is that it continues to promote very distinct gender roles and sexual expectations. Some people like that while others do not. Many men, but not all, try to chase girls and women at the pub or at a party, hits on her and maybe need alcohol to dare trying. Others get to know each other via dating sites, in school, at work or on vacation. Many men are mostly attracted to beautiful and fertile women between the ages of 18 and 35 – 40. And many of the women depicted in the magazines, in videos, commercials etc are in that age. Whether we like it or not men might become fathers high up in their ages, while women loose their fertility gradually from the age of 35 and up to ca 43-45. Does this mean that women always become unwanted after the age of 40? No, of course not, and there are loads of interesting, attractive, forward women who are 40+. The problems with the pressure and expectations to be this or that make many young girls and grown up women to feel really bad, either because they feel that the expectations are too high or because they have been assaulted in one way or the other. Maybe both. But the agony for all expectations goes for many guys too, even if we’re not fostered to talk about it or show it, but it’s there. That’s why mutual affection is just as important as sexual desire in a good relationship if you want it to last. I’ll get back to that below. I wrote a bit about it earlier on the blog on February 14th in the text “Happy Valentine”.
Female sexuality then? I’m obviously not a woman and all I now will write is a summary of what I’ve seen women do, my own experiences of women, what they have said in different situations and what I’ve noticed in society in general. Many young women, but also grown-ups are attracted to “bad boys”. They are cynical, cruel, arrogant and tough. Many girls and women are appealed by the hardness and cynicism in these men and encourage the cynical attitudes. Perhaps they see these men as cave men and alfa males. Maybe also because they are tricky themselves and love intrigues, or just are blended by the urge? Then again it’s not uncommon that these girls are used as toys by those men. A more hardened woman instead use the men around her as tools because it suits her purpose. Probably because she use to fall for abusive men. Maybe she was abused in her childhood too and now want to take her revenge on all men, especially the good ones since they are kind to her which provokes her own cynicism and self-loathing? I have also seen girls and women who were wise and independent change into lalling dolls when they have met a deceptive and cynical guy. Some girls and women are also very cruel and mean to each other in the game of life and turn into hardened and calculating individuals in a cold-hearted and cruel world. Some girls and women use their faces and sexuality just like men do to climb socially and/or to gain favours. Others choose to be with other women as lesbians. Some other girls and women, especially the wiser and nicer ones detest and reject “the bad guys”, but instead prefer kinder and more attentive men. In today’s society there is also a trend, thankfully, that is more down-to-earth. This goes both for women and men. To be more aware, more responsible and less cynical, even if nothing and no-one is perfect. This is where the affection comes in.
There are couples that succeed to keep their relationship alive from very young age until they are old, as well as the affection and love between them. My parents were such a couple and I’m very proud of them. No relationship however is perfect and all have their ups and downs. There will always be tensions in one way or the other, since life itself is tricky as is the surrounding society. But loving couples exist. It’s important to be attracted to your partner and be able to talk with each other if you want it to last. Many women want men with money in the bank so that their relationship might hold for potential parentship or other things that might be valuable for the woman in question. As a man myself I however know that most men dislike being taken for the money, since that from a male perspective creates a feeling of being used by the woman. There have been many examples where both parties are forming a life together, but one or both suddenly finds the love somewhere else. That’s why both the woman and the man need to listen in the other part’s needs and wishes, and not try to dominate the other. Being able to discuss both easy matters and difficult things is good, taking care of each other, keep a love life that is both erotic and mental. Some want to get married and others prefer just to live together or even in different homes, but be lovers all the same. Some people have two, three or several partners, but from my life experience most people of both sexes feel hurt if their partner is or has been unfaithful or is deceptive in other ways. The important thing is to find a relationship that might be suitable for both parties to keep the love alive. In times such as these it’s needed.
Anders Moberg, April 13th 2013
swedish heart and soul 